Tag Archives: Relationships/Love

#LadyPornDay A short history of watching porn

I have watched more porn than I like to admit. As an editor at Adult Video News, it was hard not to get swept up in awards fever. Imagine, a warehouse teeming with copies of the best of the best (presided over by a very handsome manager) and a duty to be conversant in the stars, scenes, and stories of the best films of the year. Porn pros took on the character of Hollywood greats. But I was too new in the job when my first awards season rolled around to know what I was talking about.

So, I raided the warehouse, guiltily loaded up my trunk with hundreds of videos and hoped I wouldn’t get pulled over on my drive home.

Not only did I watch endless porn. I reviewed it. And I edited hundreds of others’ reviews each month. Only when I became a conoisseur of the stuff was I able to read between the lines. This is what I learned:

1. Unusual synonyms for sex, sexual positions, body parts and for bedroom configurations. When you read ‘boobs’ for the 10th time in 400 words, you start to get creative. There were to be no ‘ta-tas’ in the reviews. I drew from botany, mechanical engineering, Victorian slang and articulate nonsense. Performers became actors became cocksmen and, my favorite reference from a particularly engaging writer, swashfucklers.

2. Who was bored with reviewing. You could tell a reviewer had hit that “Am I really sitting here looking at another crop of 18-year-olds doing the same thing as the last batch…and trying to think of a new way to say ‘screw’.” They commented on things like red shaving bumps or a stray bit of toilet paper stuck to bare lips. You could tell they liked a certain kind of woman (like the reviewers who only go for transexuals or MILFs). Everything else they’d review could have come under the title ‘Puppetry of the Pussy’.

3. The difference between generations. Yes, there was a divide betweeen those who believed in the new wave of arty hardcore and those who prefered the studio pictures made with aspirations to Hollywood features. (The major porn studios are run along the lines of the old Hollywood studio system.)

4. Who hated women.

Watching porn had been something I did when I was procrastinating. I’d google ‘porn’ (I had no idea what to look for and no idea how to articulate what I wanted to see). Windows popped up all over my parents’ computer, and I am still convinced that my watching of the preview videos for ‘Bang Boat’ killed their machine. There was ‘Bang Boat’ and there was TV1000, which showed hardcore feature films after 10pm. The moment of penetration (particularly in an Italian version of Snow White) drove me over the edge. That was enough then.

Now, I watched 20+ year-old school girls at an English riding camp in lesbian orgies, with their riding instructor, in pairs or on their own, and I was a little bored. Part of the pleasure of sex is its monotony, but the monotony gets boring on screen. Boredom soon turns into criticism.

Who genuinely loved their job? Who was sincere when they were speaking to the camera during the pre-coital interview? Which men loved being with women? Who only wanted to cause her pain? Who caused pain because s/he liked it? Whose framing concepts were unique? Was the sound quality good? Which blowjobs scenes looked like the deep-throat equivalent of a pie-eating contest? And the most imporant question: if it took me fifty hours of watching the finest offerings of the year to really get to grips with what I was looking at and two months of editing the leading source of news on the industry, how do non=porn professionals navigate the wilds of pornography? Yes, we have Fleshbot.com and Gram Ponante, but for these you have to be inclined to be informed about xxx  in the first place. For most of us, it’s probably down to random keyword searches on PornHub and a grab-bag of often anonymous scenes.

Aside from being able to discern genuine pleasure and playfulness in even the most hardcore scenarios, I began to notice what my fantasy life looked like.

When I watched porn, I watched from the perspective of the male performer. I was thrilled by her petite body, his incredible bulk. The idea that she may be too small to handle him. I never thought of his orgasm. I wanted him to fill her with his flesh and that was enough. The anticipation of penetration and the first thrust was my still tipping point.

I thought little of the woman. (It was indicative of where I was in my life.) I wanted to see if she could endure.  This was the shape of my private fantasties for years, as well as the nature of the pornography I picked out. And my bedroom life? I guess you could call me frisky and a serial monogamist, guided by lust an a casual way of falling in love, thinking little of physical attributes and everything of the moment.

Then I fell in love. The kind of love that makes you want to bear children and carry his name. The part of the scene that flicked the switch of fantastic pleasure shifted subtely. It moved past the moment of penetration and closer to climax. I imagined union.

I no longer wanted to see theatrical, petite women who fucked for sport. I wanted to see a woman take a man and not notice if mountains crumbled to the sea. The woman became more important. She became a goddess, holding the secret of life inside her, untouchable, yielding. For the first time, I imagined that one day I would have my partner’s child. The ritualistic dance of desire and climax moved me. (Love wasn’t what changed where I was in my life, but it was when my libido kicked back into gear.)

In this woman’s role, my fantasy called for an baroque representation of a ‘woman’ as an object of desire. In my private life, I understood what it meant to make love. The pornographic representation of this awareness was an orgiastic scene of up to 7 men who are pulled by desire toward one glistening woman. His orgasm (and journey to orgasm) took on new meaning.

In Susie Bright’s forthcoming memoir, she writes beautifully about how we must get to know and accept both our erotic lives and our erotic fantasies. What happens in the mind may be something that you will never desire in bed. What turns you on in bed may not be what you want to imagine while masturbating.

And this is where porn comes in. Our sex lives and consumption of erotic material tells us so much about who we are as people and how comfortable we are with the role of sex in fantasy and in real life. I look forward to observing how my fantasies change as my role in life changes. Now, all I need is sincerity and flesh. Will I one day be captivated by the atmosphere of an Eon McKai art-core film? Will a Wicked hardcore dramatic feature about love and infidelity float my boat? And when (if) these things turn me on, where will I be in my life then?

If you want to navigate a career in the porn industry, it seems necessary to ask these questions, to confront yourself with things you like and don’t like, to take a stand against what you find unethical. Sexuality, gender relations and fantasy are active factors in daily decision-making. (Only in the rarest instances did I include the word ‘cunt’, ‘whore’ or ‘slut’ in the reviews.) This becomes part of your tool box for success and keeping your identity (fantasy life and all) in tact. Outside the industry, these questions are no less pressing, but are easily ignored.

(Image source)

This post of part of the Lady Porn Day project.

SheKnows.com: Spice up the Holidays in Bed!

holida_legs.jpg

Spice up the Holidays in Bed!Saskia VogelAren’t you glad this aren’t didn’t start out “5 ways to put the ‘ho’ in hohoho”? I was tempted… as it’s that time of year where the puns sound punnier, the sweaters more elaborate, and normally cheesy sentiments fill everyone with good cheer. So let’s take all that happy holidays and the spirit of giving and put it into the bedroom, shall we? There’s no reason eggnog should be the only thing full of spice!

1.’Tis the season for a quickie!

Between family obligations and Secret Santa sneakiness, sex may be the last thing on your naughty or your nice list. On the nice side, bust out your organizer and pencil in some alone time with your man. For the busiest of the busy, the bedroom may be out of the question. Get naughty by stealing cheeky kisses, squeezes, and more while wrapping presents, just before the folks turn up for dinner, well, whenever the fancy strikes!

2. Get spicy

Literally. Here’s a short list of spices that are meant to stimulate the sexual appetite: ginger, chocolate, and chiles. Why such a short list? Well, when brewing hot cocoa (made with 100 percent cocoa, milk, and brown sugar to taste, heated up and whisked in a small pot), toss in a few slices of fresh ginger or a pinch of cayenne for an aphrodisiac hot cocoa. Perfect for fireside foreplay.

3. Treat yourself

Why wait for Santa to show up? Get yourself online and splurge on a luxurious gift kit from Coco de Mer. Of a number of kits, my favorite for girls is the Wet Weekend ($100), which includes a sumptuous silk blindfold, a feather tickler, Coco de Mer’s natural Spill lubricant, edible Hazelnut massage oil, Coco Fesse bath milk and Ember aphrodisiac candles. For the menfolk there’s Adventurer ($115), which comes with black bondage tape, a silk blindfold, Polished Talent lubricant, Coco de Mer condoms and an adjustable cock ring. Go on, these sexy kits are only a few clicks away at www.coco-de-mer.com.

4. Let Him Unwrap You

Get a wide, velvet ribbon in your favorite color, and tie it around you in a bow (think about all that wrapping you’ve done and get creative with your knot), turn your bedroom into a love nest (candles, low lights, you know the deal), present yourself in a tidy package on the bed, and give him a taste of the gifts that you and he will be sharing all year long.

5. Let Him Unwrap You: Behind the Scenes

Prepping for the moment where he opens the door to find you glowing on the bed is half the fun. Take the afternoon off and primp and preen to your heart’s content. Sauna, work out, get a massage, wax, get your nails done… whatever your heart desires. A moment of relaxation and indulgence just for you may be the spark you need to ignite your passions in season of craziness.

SheKnows.com: Men Aren’t Sex Machines

Men aren’t sex machines

Buzz up!

SEX MYTHS EXPOSED

Saskia Vogel

Did the myth that men are insatiable lust machines turn us into super-charged sex fiends? And what to do about your man’s sex drive?

There’s a myth about men I intend to dispel: They are not sex machines. All the girls I know have or have had the same complaint: They want to get laid more than their man wants to put out. The common thread with these girls (22 to 36-year-olds if you’re wondering) is a chapter of their sexual education that went something like this: “Boys want to jump on anything that moves at any time, so watch out. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.” And from this lesson, we, not them, grew up to be the insatiable ones. Because of this paternal lesson, my impression of the opposite sex in my most virginal days was one of ravening beasts who are tempered by virtue. In my young brain, I understood that if I were to “survive,” I must either don impenetrable armor until I accept a white rose, or match the strength of my “opponents.” My girlfriends and I chose the latter.Like many people, early sexual encounters know no end to lust, whether it’s kissing your first man until your chin is raw from his adolescent beard or that first partner where time and space conspire to provide ample opportunity for sex. (The passion of youth grants permission to turn the world into your pleasure chest, even if it is on public transportation.)

What happened to my lusty beast?

And then something shifted. We became adults and got into adult relationships. Suddenly, these unstoppable sex machines turned into sloths and sleeping giants on their worst days and virile tigers and knights on their best. Our men needed to time to recharge. “Recharge? The act of making love is regenerating!” was our resounding cry. Of course, the river of sexual energy does not flow endlessly without a spring to feed it, but how could our methods of replenishment not be the same when sex was an offer on the table? And thus the myth of the male sex machine was put to death and a group of girls, at one time or another, found themselves with more sex drive than their bedrooms could hold.

How to give and get what you both need

I have been told by my friends several reasons for their men’s dips in desire. Stress, insecurity and a poor diet are on one end of the scale. On the other end was a superstition that, like in kundalini yoga, sperm is a “sacred white metal” and a vital bodily fluid that depletes a person’s creative and physical energy when spilled. One in the middle goes like this: “I go in cycles.” Likely, the male sex drive coupled with a female expectation that he will always be “up for it” leads to a kind of anxiety in the bedroom that places stress on the expression of desire.Like with any kind of energetic exchange, the mistake is to try to convince or usher your man into sex. If the reasons are indeed stress/diet/esteem related, no amount of urging is going to make him receptive. In this situation, the greatest power you have is nurturing and care. Not being able to satisfy a woman’s needs and being keenly aware of it is a killer for guys. Take him for a hike, give him a massage, make dinner instead of opting for Carl’s Jr. yet again, and don’t push the point. If his mind is cluttered with things that are getting in the way of his best amorous self, help him unwind by showing him you cherish him his every state of being.You may also want to pay attention to his bodily cycles (just like you pay attention to yours). From experience, a boyfriend with a sex drive to match min on the best months was very clear when he was having an “off” day, week or month. Being reminded that he still desired me though he was not up for intercourse was a relief for both of us. (The oral sex, massages and cuddling were fun alternatives.) I did not pursue sex during his “down time,” and he appreciated that I respected his boundaries. Well, clear communication can be an aphrodisiac, and often he was soon out of his funk.Frankly, I can’t offer any insight on the men who believe in storing their sexual energy. They’re stuck in Spartan times.Boys may not be the sex machines our fathers warned us about (an neither are we of the succubus breed), but I believe men and women by nature are amorous, sensual beings. Of course your man desires you, but when faced with a difference in sex drive, clear communication, patience and a creative mind can help both of you get what you need and want. And ladies, if it takes a while to find balance in the bedroom, a few solo turns never did a girl harm.